Here is how we know that the Koreans are better than Europeans in every way at producing e-sports television: OGN hired the guy who did sets for your high school play to build a MOTHERFUCKING CASTLE for some “blizzard e-sports legends” to play Hearthstone in. Also, they did some real basic shit like putting the game, the casters, and the other players in different rooms so they can actually talk to each other without affecting the game. They hired a model to dress like a beautiful princess & say some words instead of to walk around with her torso out. They got a person who understands card games at a high level to commentate in English. And they made Savjz wear a shirt that actually fits.
Because, let’s be honest, even though /r/hearthstonevods characterized it as a “Warning, formal clothing tournament,” it’s really a “Warning, the producers dressed the foreigners up like Koreans” tournament, and I could talk about these outfits forever. (At the time of writing, two episodes have aired that were filmed on the same day. If more looks show up in future episodes . . . I may review those too.)
Also, guys, I do talk about the games that have already been played, if you care about spoilers. Which IMO Hearthstone is still worth watching even if you know who wins, but whatever. First up,
She is basically a beautiful angel. I suspect that this red dress is only flattering on thin Asians, not curvy white girls, but I still want to steal this look. Also, nice to see a woman on the set doing an actual necessary job, Westerners pls take notes. Hire Chloe Dykstra or somebody to co-host a thing.
Grade: A+, shine on you beautiful diamond
Chobra and DoA
Chobra is like if James Bond was Korean. DoA is like if James Bond was some guy I slept with in college. Plus also they’re doing some of the best English commentary on any high-production-value Hearthstone show to date, very professional, very high levels of analysis, very entertaining. And their bow ties SPARKLE!
Grade: Exceeds Expectations, so debonair
The dude is WEARING a Lightning Storm. Plus he looks like a goddamn pop star with those white pants.
Grade: 10/10, Would Hit It, Even Though I’m Not Super Into Asians
Bonus Review, Team Big Game Hunter Translator
To be honest, I didn’t even really notice that they dressed the players completely monochromatically until I realized how much this guy stuck out on set in his green pants. In Western fashion there’s a common tenet that “service” jobs have to dress more old-fashioned than people in prestige positions, but that’s clearly not the case in Korea?
What a cocky motherfucker. Yeah OK he looks good in anything but that jacket is fucking IMPECCABLY tailored, plus also they’ve styled him to look 80% like a modern American hipster boy, except for the shirt is a little too black and the tie is a little too wide. But the look WORKS. He is WEARING those pants.
Grade: E for Epic
That dress is AMAZING, super on trend & very flattering to her figure. But like many nerd girls (myself included) Hafu is not that great at sitting in a miniskirt or walking in heels. I probably would have put her in something a little more comfortable, just spitballing here but I’m seeing a tight pant, a sequin jacket and a low pump. Of course she is thin and Asian and even though she’s Chinese putting her in this outfit makes her look very Korean. But I do think some of her discomfort was based on the fear of her vagina being seen on television and a different outfit could have helped her feel more confident. They’ve also made a very strange choice in not putting much more makeup on her than they did on the men, of course she does have a lovely natural beauty but seriously, who wears that many bracelets and no eyeliner?
Also, Internet, we need to have a serious talk about Hafu. Yeah she’s not the strongest player in the tournament, but she lost to Savjz, who is one of the best Hearthstone players in the world, indeed the universe. I don’t know how serious she wants to be about Hearthstone, but there is NO reason for an invitational that’s running around inviting Warcraft 3 players to not invite women.
Also apparently chat/comments/etc all hate her for . . . having emotions near a camera? Like OF COURSE that little arc, from lack of confidence to overconfidence to “go away cameraman I am crying,” was going to make the final cut, because that shit is TELEVISION GOLD. It’s not like the men were giving much on the emotional front, other than Savjz knocking his chair over in frustration they’re all so freaking stoic. But then nerds who hate all women because they’re not getting enough pussy are like “I am disappoint in Hafu, she is a complex human being not perfect Asian video game Barbie.” Guys, grow up.
Grade: A for demographic diversity & on-camera presence, more like a B on her outfit/styling though
Do Koreans really think this guy’s that cute? Or is it just because “giyom” is a pun on his name? Regardless, this fella has lived in Korea for over a decade and speaks the language so I almost believe this weird jacket came out of his closet. Before it was in Guillame’s closet, though, I think my brother wore it to be a Spanish dancer in the Nutcracker when he was 16.
Grade: W for Waiter
Many of my Twitter followers know that I would like to steal the word “Adorkable” from Zoe Deschanel’s advertising campaigns for New Girl and instead use it to apply to boys like Trump. He makes Hunger Games jokes that probably don’t come across in the Korean subtitles! He has no idea what you’re supposed to do when a beautiful woman is crying! He’s so dorky it’s adorable!
However, he is apparently uncomfortable wearing ANYTHING on his torso other than his green Razer jacket. And what is up with that cravat/scarf thing? He’s like a lamb in peacock’s clothing, or something.
Grade: D for just poor stylistic Decision-making all round
Gerrard and Gorush
I’m gonna be honest with you here, guys. I have no jokes to make about these outfits, or these players’ looks or personalities. I REALLY TRIED but all I got was that Gorush looks like this kid I went to middle school with.
Grade: B for Boring? Here look at a video of adorable e-sports babies instead:
Savjz has always seemed to me like one of those nerds who still hasn’t realized that he’s handsome. He’s got APPALLING posture, for example, makes me want to reach through the internet & give him a back adjustment whenever I see it, maybe take him with me to yoga class. I’ve probably watched every video show Savjz has appeared in, and he’s MUCH less awkward and self-conscious than he used to be, now he’s awkward in a much more unselfconscious way. It’s . . . actually pretty adorable. I know it’s pronounced Saveej but, Janne, you can savage me any time.
Oh, wait, I was reviewing fashion, not how fun it is to listen to someone mispronounce “Knife Juggler” in a Finnish accent . . .
Savjz has a very awkward amount of scruff going here (which, I approve of him growing a beard, but, dude, you’re on television), and desperately needs a haircut. When he’s allowed to dress himself, he wears his DogeHouse jersey which is about three sizes too big, or t-shirts with stretched-out necks. However it seems like he genuinely doesn’t care what he’s wearing, so they might as well give him a cravat and a Very Pinterest Boutonniere, he’s still equally as confident.
Grade: Most Improved
Who Won At The Fashion:
Savjz’s boutonniere. Seriously tho. That thing is like if prom and steampunk had a baby.
In conclusion, you guys, I need to watch more Korean television. This show straight up filled my heart with joy, not just because Hearthstone is my favorite game these days, but because of everything about it–compared to other Hearthstone broadcasts that are being put out, where I’m watching for gameplay and either commentary or cute boys.